Divided Minds: Notes on Truth

I officially started the actual memory-recall-desensitization portion of Bi-Lateral stimulation of Eye Movement Desensitization (EMDR) therapy. It was absolutely a challenging yet illuminating experience. EMDR is primarily used to relieve PTSD, and appears to be the only non-psychedelic treatment with promising results.

It starts with a psychological assessment portion which makes sure you’re psychologically solid enough to specifically recall traumatic memories. Then it moves onto a couple of memories that cause the most problems for the patient in which you discuss them with your therapist and prepare to hone in on them. Both take as long as needed until the therapist thinks it is safe, sometimes several hours of sessions.

The actual memory-recall-desensitization phase is where things get interesting.

My treatment was bilateral stimulation, meaning that I held two clickers, one in each hand, which vibrated back and forth. I focus for a bit on the pattern of vibration and then I’m told to hone in and focus on the actual traumatic memory itself. I describe out loud the visual environment of the memory. Then I describe in depth and sincerity the feelings, then the thoughts. Finally, I speak freely whatever comes into my mind about it. We then take a break.

It goes particularly deep the second, third and forth round of the memory, as you can feel your mind beginning to process the event after all those years. I began to consciously speak what was once hidden in my subconscious. It’s very emotionally taxing but each round you actually do feel a bit lighter.

What was creepy AF however is in my memory, it was particularly the look on the person’s face that communicated the most trauma to me subconsciously , so much so that what finally broke down into tears wasn’t even the problematic act itself.

By the 5th and 6th round, I couldn’t even see all of their face at all in my mind! (My therapist said this is a great sign)

By the end of the 2 hour session, my self rating of negative emotion about the memory went from 8/10 to 2/10 in intensity. We’re going to finish up on it next week, return intermittently to it depending on my off-therapy processing of it, and add a new core memory next week.

I’m sharing this for two reasons. One, I find it philosophically fascinating and am happy that I don’t have to abuse substances to deal with my past. Second, I am beginning to finally understand the Anonymous program mantra “We only keep what we have by giving it away”. So I hope it helps someone with their own decision making when finding a better option of remedies for pain than “drowning it out” with substances/alcohol, toxic relationships, and avoidance.

So far, I recommend it.